Striving for happiness is the goal that unifies all of humanity. We want an increase of happiness in our personal life, in our career, and in our relationships.
So how do you double the amount of happiness your currently have? Why, listen to some stranger on the Internet, of course! We here at French Onion Soup have not-so-painstakingly researched 6 ways to hack happiness, because no one wants to put in real work. We all just want instant gratification, which is why millions upon millions of us dumb bags of flubber spend countless hours scrolling through Instagram, experiencing unhealthy dopamine spikes every time some other dumb bag of flubber likes our picture of Tuesday's taco dinner. But we're not here to complain about Instagram, we're here to complain about how our first-world lives are so terrible and we need more pseudo-happiness to combat all our first-world problems. So here's how to cut corners to lead to a "happier" life!
1. Practice Meditation
Research has proven that if you regularly take up the practice of meditation, learning how to control your thoughts and politely escort all thoughts right out of your head so you're left with a hollow noggin of nothingness, then you can no longer have unpleasant thoughts bearing down on you and you will then feel happier. This very concept is why yoga studios have been springing up across America like dandelions in an unfertilized lawn. So if you buy into the marketing scheme that has driven these studios to success, then you too may fake yourself into believing you are happier.
2. Write In A Journal
Another trend that has taken modern society by storm is "feeling journals." You might also know them by the name of "gratitude journals." Hearing either title makes our entire writing staff nauseous, because it sounds as trendy and dumb as it is. This scientifically unproven practice involves spending too much money on a leather bound notebook, spending hours watching Youtube videos of how to decorate the pages of said notebook with childlike handwriting and poorly drawn flowers or stars, writing three things you're thankful for on the first page and then falling out the the habit immediately and never pick up the book again. You'd be quite on the trend if the three things you write are "family," "friends," and "my promising future."
3. Work Out
This one has a bit of science behind it, but there's a reason people never follow through with their plans of exercising themselves to happiness. There is a strong effect of working out which is often overlooked. Working out leads to sweating, and sweating leads to grossness. Then grossness leads to humiliation, humiliation leads to self-hatred, self-hatred leads to snapping, snapping leads to screaming at a poodle in the park, screaming at a poodle in the park leads to confrontation with the owner, confrontation with the owner leads to physical altercation, physical altercation leads to arrest, arrest leads to a criminal record, a criminal record leads to limited employment opportunities, limited employment opportunities leads to working at Chuck-E-Cheese, working at Chuck-E-Cheese leads to sadness, sadness leads to terrible eating habits, terrible eating habits leads to obesity, obesity leads to working out, and the horrid cycle starts all over again. So while "scientists" will tell you that working out produces dopamine, which is the happy hormone, they fail to tell you the side effects of working out. You might be a percentage happier, but heaven almighty, at what cost?
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4. Hugging Something
You are most certainly aware that historically, the hippies were the happiest collective of people to ever walk the face of the earth. And no, it wasn't because they were tripping on a thousand different drugs. It's because they learned how to hack happiness, which led to their moniker, "tree huggers." Squeezing something between your arms taps into the primal instinct of a predator overpowering it's prey, which leads to a rush of adrenaline. Because society has brainwashed us into believing that hugging is an act of affection and love, (we're looking at you, Hallmark,) humans now confuse that rush of adrenaline to be dopamine. But origins aside, hugging something will make you feel feelings, so if you are tired of feeling nothing and being as emotionally empty as a Kardashian, then go hunt for something to physically dominate.
5. Be Outside In Nature
The first thing a therapist would say to you, besides "you seem to be riddled with issues," is prescribing a nice walk outside. It's been well documented that being in nature can produce happiness. And it's not because of fresh air and oxygen, or whatever lies the climate changers are shoving down your throat. It's because being in the wild reminds us of a time where humans were not advanced enough to build houses and had to fend off feral animals from their house-less villages. Understanding this leads to a boost in thankfulness for the modern era, even though we've wasted our technological wonders on such stupidity as Tik-Tok. Seriously, where does it end with us people? We can 3D print a human body and start a colony on Mars, but our days are instead consumed with watching 12-year-olds speak in high pitched voices and throw things at each other. Being in nature will reaffirm your suspicions that humans are wasting away on the Earth, and the hope that one day Mother Nature will take back what is hers can be a reassuring feeling and produce happiness.
6. Eat Junk Food And Watch Netflix
Really, this tip is at the top of everyone's list, because we're realists and understand that we don't want to actually work through what's making us sad. It's far easier to shove down the feelings of despair and inadequacy through overcooked hot pockets and 18 straight hours of Stranger Things. So if you really want to hack your happiness, skip over the other steps and jump right to what you know will fill you with numbness and indigestion.
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