So you have bad self-control and you want some spare cash? Then you're lucky you landed here! Let's be real: making money is hard. And making money if you don't have talent, drive, or ambition?? Impossible! But the impossible has become possible because our unpaid interns have tirelessly worked for two hours to come up with some fast-track ways that even you can bring in a few more dollar bills. We preemptively say "thank you" and "sorry." Let's dive in and cash out!
1. Start a charity (for yourself)
People LOVE the feeling of giving. Research says that 9 out of 10 people who give to charity feel something. And studies say that 8 out of those 9 feelings are regret. But that one person who doesn't feel regret has the dopamine spike that yoga classes claim to offer.
Now the challenge is to take advantage of that dopamine and get in on the benefits of charity. Lucky for you, science says that 13 out of 78 people don't fact-check on the charities they give to. So grab a pen and paper and brainstorm some organization names that really tug at the ol' heartstrings! The key to success here is to connect the donation link right to your bank account, and then just watch the numbers
2. Sell your junk.
You might vehemently deny it, but you have too much stuff. It clutters your cupboards, closets, and mind. And why do you so aggressively hold onto it? Perhaps because it gives you a weird power trip, or maybe you have a hard time letting go of physical and emotional things. Either way, you can turn your bad habits into good money. Those 5 dozen Tupperware containers you have? You only need 4.5 dozen. 6 different suede suit jackets? 1 is more than enough! Minimize your junk and increase your bank account.
3. Busk on the streets.
"But I am talentless!" you may cry. And it's true that only talented buskers get fame for what they can do, but what's the point of spending years honing your skills? What a waste! Here's what you do to cash in on your talentless self:
- find a bucket. Any bucket will do.
- find a street corner. Any street corner is good.
- scream. Scream and don't stop.
- as people walk past, covering their ears, direct their attention to your sign that says "will stop screaming for money."
You will be shocked at how many people care about their precious ear drums. Every dollar buys 10 seconds of silence from your horrific screams, so just bunker down and watch the money flow in!
4. Sell a kidney.
Only overachievers need BOTH their kidneys, and we all know you are not an overachiever.
5. Fake your death and cash in on your life insurance policy.
Okay, we admit it, this method lacks any serious research. But Maggie, our intern, saw it happen in a TV show. And while she's known to be a bit of a slacker, we here at French Onion Soup believe in rewarding those who cut corners. So, good job on this one, Maggie!
6. Sell "miracle water."
What is miracle water? It's so simple: it's water that miraculously makes you feel better! At least, that's what you'll tell your friends and family to get them in on this pyramid scheme. All you have to do is take some normal Dasani water, drop some glitter in there, and chat up the moms at your local library and promise them that your miracle water gets rid of cellulite in 7 short months.
Now, this is a very important note: do not linger in the area for 7 months. This method works best if you travel a lot, or perhaps live out of your car. If you camp out in one city for too long, people will discover a few of the inconsistencies in your product and will come for you. Our studies show that the ideal time frame to sell miracle water in one local governance is about 3 months. In that period, you will be able to build relationships, exploit them for profit, and leave before the consequences hit.
7. Work hard and hold a steady, respectable job.
...sike! We promised easy, corner-cutting techniques, not legitimate and emotionally healthy ways to make a living! We just wanted to make sure you're still paying attention. Now on the rest of our brilliant, ethically-cloudy methods.
8. Marry rich.
Why do the hard work when you can just marry someone who does the hard work instead? The key to this technique is pretending you're respectable. Your special someone can't be clued in on your true motivation until after the marriage certificate is signed. Then you can let the crazy start to spill out a little!
9. Start a lifestyle blog.
The beautiful aspect of this method is that your life can be in absolute shambles. Just a real wreck all around! But that doesn't have to stop you from telling other people how they can improve. The special ingredient of success is writing lists of ways that your readers can reach their goals. Lists are easily digestible, like a mashed potato smoothie. It also looks like you have written a lot more than you have. People never question the validity of lists, so this is the only way you should communicate on your blog.
No matter what you do, don't try hard!
If you take away anything from this article, dear reader, let it be this antidote. People who work hard spend all their time working hard, when working hard is a waste of time. Cut corners, take the easy road, and focus on potentially shady ways of earning the big bucks.
Comments