Owning three dozen succulents is not just for Instagram girls who want to feel relevant. There is scientific proof that houseplants offer physical, emotional, and mental benefits. If you feel a big void in your life, it's probably not the lack of a stable relationship, or the need for a job that will make you feel productive and meaningful. It absolutely means that you need a houseplant, and nothing else. We here at French Onion Soup have exhaustively researched, experimented, and theorized how your specific emotional needs can be met with certain houseplants. You can trust what we say, because we don't care enough to put in the effort to lie to you.
I feel sad: English Ivy
These majestic plants spill over a hanging pot and bring some life to the upper space of any room. Their long tendrils reach towards the ground, akin to Rapunzel's lengthy locks of golden hair. And if we're going to talk about being sad, no one had it worse than Rapunzel. Have you been kept away in a tower for years upon years, with no knowledge of the world outside? 11 out of 10 people would respond with an emphatic no. So instead of throwing a pity party every other weekday, fix your gaze upon the English Ivy and realize things could be a lot worse than working a comfortable 9 to 5 and having enough disposable income to purchase a houseplant.
I feel anxious: Monstera Deliciosa
This life is riddled with problems, so it's no surprise you feel anxious. People demand a lot from you, like your time, attention, and healthy hygiene habits. It's a lot! That's why the perfect houseplant for you is the monstera deliciosa, also known as the Swiss cheese plant. This massive plant will loom over all the other plants, and by observing the difference in size, you will come to realize that the problems you face pale in comparison to the greater problem that overarches all of humanity: Instagram influencers. If you dwell on the fact that hundreds of thousands of millennials are making money because they post endless self-obsessed photos on Instagram, you'll be so overcome with anger that your petty problems will be forgotten.
I feel meaningless: Dumb Cane Plant
Dear reader, we've all been where you are at. Life feels void of purpose, and you feel under-appreciated in every romantic relationship. Are you the common issue? Of course not, you never are! The reason you can't maintain a significant relationship is because you've never found your reason for being, the light that guides you to a place of fulfillment. And that was overlooked by all your exes, because all they could focus on was your commitment problems and dull personality. So we can't blame you for treading water in this vast ocean of existence, unsure of what direction to swim towards. And that's why we insist you buy a dumb cane plant. You will instantly feel better about your own place in life when you look at this plant and realize that someone thought it was so pointless, so purposeless, that they were compelled to call it dumb. We here at French Onion Soup realize that you've hit many lows, so much so that you would turn to strangers on the Internet for psychiatric analysis. But we can confidently say that you will never be as low as this plant, who by nature has no intelligence, but was still labelled as 'dumb.'
I feel lonely: Venus Fly Trap
While not traditionally considered a common houseplant, our researchers spent countless hours weighing the pros and cons of adding a Venus fly trap to your house. This is perfect for you if you have anxiously waited for the day when your house becomes a home. That day has constantly been pushed further and further away, because of your aforementioned inability to keep any healthy relationships. And that's why you feel so desperately lonely. So deny that you are a massive fixer-upper and pour all your attention on an innocent, unassuming Venus fly trap.
I feel insecure: Aloe Vera
You are not a weak person, life has just dealt you a particularly difficult hand. At least, that's what you tell yourself as you cry into your soy milk triple chocolate latte, heartbroken because Aleiysha from spin class wore the same Lululemon tank top and had the nerve to point it out. Since your self-esteem is shot, you'll go through life shedding a lot of tears and nursing a lot of hurt feelings. Aloe plants are known to sooth physical burns, but maybe being in the presence of one will help your emotional burns as well!
I feel unlucky: Guiana Chestnut
If the staff here at French Onion Soup believe anything, it's that the alignment of the constellations have a heavy role in how individual lives on Earth intertwine and play out. And you believe it too, because at this point, it's the only line of thinking that alleviates you from any responsibility. And if there's one thing the staff here loves, it's avoiding life's real issues by reading the musings of strangers on the Internet. So we hear you, dear reader, when you scream at your aunt and tell her that Fate has it out for you, and you're destined to hit all the red lights and get all the speeding tickets. Studies show that 4 out of 12 people categorize themselves as 'unlucky,' and 10 out of 10 unlucky people believe that they can't do anything about it. But we aim to prove science wrong! If you want to change your luck, then purchase the luckiest plant that money can buy. The Guiana Chestnut, also known as the money tree, is considered good fortune in some places of the world. So stick this lil' guy in the corner of your overpriced apartment and brace yourself to be flushed with cash so you can finally get out of debt and actually pay for your overpriced apartment!
Conclusion
There is not much to conclude here. Frankly, we laid out all the facts, and now you have to face one moment of personal responsibility and decide if you want to act on the indisputable science we've laid out. Will you make a move and buy a house plant? Probably not. We realize that taking care of a plant is not as difficult as taking care of a baby, but more difficult than vacuuming your apartment thrice a year. And once you reflect and realize how immensely you struggle with the later, you'll make the conclusion yourself and continue living your life as you have been, with this meager article doing nothing but syphoning a few minutes of the day that you normally spend stalking your high school peers.
Commentaires