How to get your BFF to make you dinner!
We've all been there. It's a lonely Friday night, the significant other is out of town, and there is absolutely no motivation to cook up dinner. The microwaveable TV dinners in the freezer are taunting you, because like it or not, they're the only constant thing you've known, despite adding inches to your waistline while stealing years off your life. Well, grab a Kleenex and wipe away those tears of despair. Here at French Onion Soup, we are invested in spending all of our time and other people's money researching ways to ensure that you never spend another weekend night curled up in your Laz-E-Boy, cramming re-reheated stuffed shells down your sobbing gullet. It's been proven that the best way to get a hot dish when you are no longer a hot person is by milking the teats of friendship and inserting yourself into the table at your best bud's delicious family meal.
Through a painstaking process, we have developed three sure-fire ways to snag your next delectable dinner from any weak-willed friend.
1. Pretend to have been lost and stumble into their dining room.
Get over your own prideful ego and just do it. Nothing says "feed me" like a semi-delirious best friend staggering into a pleasant family atmosphere. The selling point here is pathetic gasps for air and to make sure you add insatiable, crazed stares at whatever wonderful ensemble the missus has laid before the family. If you feel like you're being too over-the-top, then congrats! You have what it takes to tug at your best friend's heartstrings. So grab the fork next to that steaming lasagna Tina's slaved over and dig in! You just got out of a sorrowful, hungry night alone and have successfully pulled off a food heist. If you're feeling ambitious after eating the entire loaf of garlic bread, seal the deal for next Friday and end the night saying, "Thanks, Tina and Burt, for the wonderful meal. I can't wait until next week's roasted pork loin. I hear it goes great with steamed vegetables!"
2. Stage a distraction and sneak into their kitchen.
Take a page from the robber's handbook and create a good ol' fashioned diversion. This is a great opportunity to let your creative side out and about! Don't settle for the standard "someone slashed your tires" speech. You are more than that! Just remember, the crazier you get, the more distracted your bestie will be. Nobody can resist running outside to see a dozen hallucinating clowns cycling down the street while singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Dig however deep into your pockets you need to stage something so insane that is will send every suburban family racing out their front door.
If you've invested enough forethought into your big production, you can easily have a half hour to yourself. Get started chomping on that fantastic cut of meat Stephen grilled and slurping up your favorite broccoli and cheddar soup that Milly spent the afternoon cooking up. You can even be gutsy and make it a take-out dinner. Find that old lawnchair in the garage and set yourself up on the front lawn for an entertaining show to accompany the free meal you just scored, thanks to your progressive thinking and detailed planning. You deserve it!
RELATED READ: What You Should Do If You Don't Have Friends
3. Grow up and ask them
If you're at this step, it's obvious you can't fully execute the dramatic requirements it takes to snag a free meal. So throw away the smoke and mirrors and just go for it. If the thought of boldness scares you, then you don't deserve a meal on the house! Since nothing else has worked, grab your grown-up pants off the dresser, put on your worn-out lucky socks, and with a swag in your step, march up to Rhonda and declare your desire for the chicken Alfredo she's been bragging about. Sure, it might be a breach of etiquette, and you might lose a friend over the situation, but do you want that meal or not?
Let this be a lesson to you. You must risk it to get the literal biscuit. And if your gut is screaming at you after a week of exclusively eating macaroni and bacon bits, then do yourself a favor and go hustle for that din-din. What sounds better to you; a depressing dinner of soggy lettuce on whole-wheat bread, or a steaming plate of beef bourguignon and a glass of Chardonnay? Don't be that person who stays at home because it's considered "rude" to open somebody's door with the spare key you have for safety reasons, sit down at their mahogany table, and politely ask if you can have the gravy for your mashed potatoes. This is the ultimate win-win scenario. You get the meal your stomach has been craving for months, and you get the chance to test how strong your friendships are. In the end, you might get roasted asparagus and barbecue ribs, and the assurance of an unwavering friendship. You might just get the ribs. But regardless, you have finally exploited a relationship that may or may not remain intact, obtaining the most delicious reward for your efforts. Bon appetite!
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