Want your friends to think that your life is put together? Then have them all over for the Superbowl and let them bask in your superior lifestyle.
It's that time of year again. Not the time when your neighbor, Laura, has clearly forgone all her resolutions and from your kitchen window, you can see her sneak out to the back deck to down a bottle of Reisling while her toddler is napping. She hits that point by the 14th. I'm talking about the time where people start to plan the perfect Superbowl Party. Sure, most of the American population doesn't give a rip about who's actually playing and who the referees will let win. And even that friend who says, "I don't watch for the football, I watch for the commercials," doesn't give two squats about the commercials. They just want to feel relevant the next day at the office, and since they have no substance of knowledge about football, they'll give far too thorough a play-by-play of all the ludicrous commercials to gain some popularity points around the water cooler. But you, dear reader, reek of equal desperation, because you're considering hosting a party and succumbing to the monetization of America's most popular sport. So how do you throw a party that will temporarily make people enjoy you? Here at French Onion Soup, we have lazily put together three must-have elements for the perfectly poignant party.
Pro tip: make sure to invite one person who actually knows something about football. Otherwise people will look to you for wisdom, and you know you don't have any and you hate looking like a fool.
Step 1: Don't have too much seating.
The surefire way to shoot yourself in the foot is by having enough seats in the living room so everyone is able to sit together to watch the game. You fool. You don't want everyone in one condensed area. Limit the seating in front of the telly so guests are forced to spread out. This way, when they all talk amongst themselves after the party, there will be enough diversity in their experiences that they won't notice how unkempt your house really is.
A bonus is that no one will be able to get an accurate headcount of how many people actually showed up to your party. Nothing says "sad" like a poorly attended Superbowl party. If you force your guests to scatter to various rooms of your house, you can spew lie after lie about how many people came. And when your annoying coworker Lindsay brags about how many people she had at her place, you can one up her without any challenge.
Step 2: Have everyone bring a dish to share, but make sure to stow away a few before the party really gets started.
Brace yourself for a slap to the face with truth. The only reason people host parties is because they don't want to cook food, and by labeling it a party, people have to bring you food. But for a Superbowl party, people will fast for days beforehand so they can shovel inhumane amounts of food into their face. So you have to be one step ahead. As guests arrive and hand over their entry fee of a side dish, scout out which ones you'll want to stash away for your own indulgence.
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What you must make sure of is that no one starts to wonder where their dish has disappeared off too. So to combat those annoyingly attentive people, have some empty containers ready in your pantry. While everyone is mingling in the living room and dining room, plop half of the selected dish into a container and put the rest out on the table for the commoners. That way, people will just internally blame that one greedy guest that is known for not sharing well and they'll never suspect you of lining up a week of cooking-free dinners.
Step 3: Once the final whistle blows, don't let them linger any longer.
Eyes on the prize, dear reader. A Superbowl party is not for socializing, it's for boosting your social standings. So while some guests are more than happy to loiter into the wee hours of the night, you must stand strong and have a game plan to quickly escort them out of your house. The longer people stay without having one common focus, the greater your odds are for someone starting to critique your decor style, or how small your house is compared to theirs, or any of the many terrible comments people without filters are often saying. You want to win the points for hosting a party, but not lose points for any of the many areas in your life that make people feel pity for you.
The best way to get people to leave quickly is to make them uncomfortable. And not just physical discomfort, but social discomfort. There's a few common ways to make this happen. The quickest and easiest is achievable if you have dog. About 30 minutes before the game wraps up, give your dog whatever food will make him gassy. Nothing clears a room like dog flatulence. Now if you don't have a dog, resist the urge to insert yourself into that equation. If you, the host, is cutting the cheese left and right, no one will ever look you in the eyes again. If it's your dog, people will have a twinge of sympathy for you, but will also quickly excuse themselves from your home.
Nothing clears a room like dog flatulence.
An alternative way to usher your "friends" out requires a dash of confidence. It doesn't matter if this confidence is derived from the depths of your soul or a few too many margaritas. Four minutes after the game is over, turn off the television as the first signal to guests that things are rapidly winding down. Now, because humans are obtuse, no one will pick up on this. Don't lose heart. Instead, escape to your room and quickly change into your pajamas. And not the loungewear that can be mistaken as a signal that you're ready to relax for the next five hours, sipping on wine and chatting up your guests. The more embarrassing the better. You are shooting to make your visitors uncomfortable. A robe works wonders in this situation, especially if people are wondering if you have anything underneath the robe. Once you emerge from your master bedroom with your signal-giving wardrobe, you must not speak another word. Act like you have no guests, and soon you will indeed have no guests. Start cleaning up the kitchen. If there are still people lingering, a robe-clad host pulling out the vacuum is a great card to play. Nothing makes people more unsettled than being vacuumed around by someone who is not acknowledging their presence and is one article of clothing away from being a free range human.
Now fall asleep, basking in the knowledge that you have successfully thrown the perfect Superbowl party.
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