Here's 7 reasons you're not going to reach your fitness goals and Instagram models will forever remain your self-esteem's biggest foe.
1. You want the change, but not the hard work.
Sorry if we're getting too real here at French Onion Soup, but that little voice in your head has been chanting this mantra for years. Otherwise, why do you find yourself binge-watching Stranger Things for the third time this year instead of hitting the gym once in a while?
2. French fries have a hold on your soul.
Any real fitness trainer will tell you that getting fit is done in the kitchen, not the gym. No matter how many cowbell squats you do while screaming in agony, you're not going to see results if you chow down three Big Mac meals on the way home. Seek therapy for you french fries addiction.
3. You want to get hot out of spite.
The Dalai Lama wouldn't approve of this mindset. If you want physical change, first seek emotional change. Losing weight to spite your ex because he left you for a woman who can run a lap without upchucking isn't the right motivation. Maybe the better focus is the goal of being able to climb a flight of stairs without hurling your lunch over the banister.
4. You don't own expensive enough running shoes.
Wake up, sheeple! This lie will hold you down with the equivalent force that gravity has on your milkshake-ladened body. Contrary to the message that every athletic brand is trying to brainwash you with, you don't need to wait until you have $300 Nike shoes to take a brisk walk down your street. Grab those worn out tennies and get hustling!
5. You keep saying "next year is the year."
Procrastination is only good in one scenario: when you're getting paid for hourly work. If you want a hot bod, you'll have to stop putting it off. Here's an even bigger reality check: the world is crumbling beneath our feet, so you're not guaranteed next year. So the real questions is, do you want to be fit enough to outrun the panicked mobs when civilization crumbles and we're looting the remains of Walmart to feed our loved ones?
6. You're not letting your internal fitness junkie out.
Every person who has gone from fat to fit shares something in common: they tapped into their potential and let the gym rat inside them out of it's cage. When you start working out and giving it your all, you'll quickly come dependent on that dopamine. Don't hold it in like a full bladder on a 10-hour road trip. Deep down, under the layers of pudge, is an Adonis that is ready to put every other gym-goer to shame.
7. You don't have enough support.
Ladies, this isn't about buying the right sports bra. (But seriously, hustling up the Stairmaster without one is a grievance for everyone involved.) Getting fit isn't a solo journey, you need a supporting cast. Maybe you've failed 13 diets because your supporting cast has the star power of a freshman project at a second-tier film school. Dear reader, even if nobody else will cheer you on, here at French Onion Soup, we are running alongside you, chanting "you CAN be hotter, you WILL be hotter!" You got this, champ!
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