Breakfast is universally known as the first meal of the day. And as Ghandi wisely said once, "A day started with a bad meal is as terrible as mayonnaise in your left sock." We here at French Onion Soup hate mayonnaise in our left socks, and can safely assume that our readers share in our disgust. So in order to give your day the best chance at being anything more than mediocre, we've somewhat researched the 5 best foods to stuff in your grumpy gullet in the wee morning hours.
1. Oatmeal
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I wish there was a food that tasted of boredom?" We have found the answer to your question: steel cut oatmeal. As a human race, we've discovered many 'foods' by boiling water and throwing random ingredients in it for a few minutes. And studies show that the worst discovery was oatmeal. Some publications might tell you that oatmeal is a healthy choice and full of nutritionist. And for the weakest members of our society, they eat up those lies like a three-year-old eats up a bowl of Kraft mac & cheese. We are here to dismantle those lies. You should not brew a bowl of oatmeal because of health reasons. Sure, it might add a few years to your life, but heaven almighty, at what cost? The real reason you should consider a heap of steaming soggy oats is because when you start your day at the lowest possible point, you have the best odds of improving the quality of it by sunset. And what lower point is there than cracking your eyes open at dawn, your body in full denial of being awoken at an ungodly hour, then being met with a hot pile of bland wet lumps?
2. Bananas
Gurus in Indonesia have told us for years that the path to enlightenment is paved with bananas. And for years we discarded them as lunatics. But much like teen girls and high-waisted jeans, we've realigned our thinking towards what has been mocked for years. Are bananas the worst possible texture a human could experience? Yes. That will remain indisputable until the end of time. But bananas have one overwhelmingly positive attribute: they are scientifically ranked as the cleanest fruit to eat. The worst way you could begin your morning is by hacking into a kiwi or getting blueberry stains on your clumsy fingers. Bananas allow you to have a mess-free morning. It's no guarantee that your messy life will turn around, but if you can have a few moments of living clutter-free, take what you can get.
3. Steak and potatoes
You might think that this is reserved for a five-star restaurant, or when you're trying to impress your fiancee's parents. Climb out of your narrow-minded thinking! Why should fine dining be exclusive to sucking up to someone? Treat yourself right, because heaven knows that no one else treats you like you think you deserve. You might be condemning the rest of your day to failed expectations by having your first meal be so delicious and refined, but life has a tendency to go downhill anyway, so why not get used to it on a smaller scale?
4. Veggie Smoothie
All the Instagram 'influencers' act like smoothies take inches from your waist while adding extra hours to your day. We all know that they are nothing but bold-faced liars in almost every way, but there is a nugget of truth to their obsession with smoothies. Research says that there is no better way to condense the nutrition of a dozen vegetables in a digestible way than a smoothie. If you want to feel 10% less guilt about eating a Big Mac for every lunch, then throw a salad in a Magic Bullet and chug it down in the morning. Deep down, you'll know that it doesn't balance anything in your life, but you'll be able to lie to yourself enough that you won't feel compelled to change your behavior.
5. Waffles
If you want to feel happy, then waffles are the only solution. They are tasty, unhealthy, and are nostalgic enough that you remember the comfort of childhood innocence but not so nostalgic that you spiral into a depression about the unstoppable passage of time. For those who feel like they're better than everyone, it's possible to make waffles from scratch. But for the average human, grab a box of frozen waffles and pop them in the toaster to quickly get a morning meal that will hold you over until you find someone who loves you enough to cook a real breakfast for you.
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Conclusion
No one in this world can truly help you except yourself, which is why you should give a rat's bum about how you approach the first meal of your day. We here at French Onion Soup have given half a rat's bum in researching the best food for your breakfast. We are legally obliged to clarify that there is no guarantee that these foods will improve your happiness, but we are able to leave you with this question: at this point, what do you have to lose?
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