Do you fancy yourself a top-tier hostess, able to dazzle any guest with your fancy fixings and elegant etiquette? If you do, then this is not for you. And frankly, you should take it down a few notches, because you're setting the bar at an unrealistic height and the average human couldn't hope to throw a dinner party anywhere near your caliber. We here at French Onion Soup stand up for the little guys, the people who don't own gold-leafed China plates and who only put out two forks when all the spoons are dirty and they're trying to compensate for it. If you want to move on from asking your guests if they'd prefer 'paper or plastic' plates, then do we have some advice for you! Here's the top 5 things that any average Joe can cobble together to level up a dinner party and maybe even impress your in-laws enough that they don't actively disdain you.
1. Some kind of casserole.
The odds are strongly in your favor that at least 32% of your attendees will be picky eaters. It is nigh impossible to please picky eaters, because they fill themselves not with a variety of food, but with attention. You will not be able to sway them to try the majority of the dishes you'll slave over all afternoon, because their identity is so deeply rooted in their peculiar palette. The solution to this grave issue is not by offering more choices, but rather trick them into being the garbage disposal of the party.
Start by piling all the ingredients that you have a difficult time using into a baking pan and stick it in the oven for 30 minutes. Make sure that there is a thick layer of cheese on the top. Then when you serve the dish to the table, announce that it is a potato and cheese casserole. This will woo even the most committed attention-seeker, because no one can pass up potatoes and cheese. The 'picky eater' will make it very known that this dish is the only one that interests them because they have such a sensitive stomach and delicate taste buds. By the time they've realized that the casserole is a Trojan horse for unloading your expiring foods, their pride will be the barrier from them moving on to the other good-tasting dishes and you will have won the mental match. And every true hostess knows that the sign of a successful dinner party is asserting dominance over the friend that constantly makes things about themselves.
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2. A seating chart.
We here at French Onion Soup know our audience well. So we know that you are not hosting guests of any significance that would warrant a seating chart. That kind of thing is reserved for Buckingham Palace or Desperate Housewives. But we also are confident that there is at least one guest you'll invite that will have unwarranted beef with another guest, and as the hostess, it's your job to handle the drama. The ideal way to do so is by telling the two problem-makers that there is assigned seating, so you can manipulate them into sitting on opposite ends of the table.
It's important to get the other guests in on this plan, otherwise it could drastically backfire. When sending out the dinner party invite, make sure to include a footnote to the guests that aren't problematic. If a small part of you cringes at the idea of being deceptive and manipulative, then you are well on your way to being a successful host!
3. A loose grip on your self-identity.
The true key to hosting a killer dinner party is to be so immersed in its success that it consumes you and briefly takes over your life until all you have to strive for is planning on a party that puts your neighbor's Christmas bash to shame. If you reach this level of obsession, then you will have the drive it takes to neglect your family and pour incredible amounts of time and resources into creating the perfect dinner party. It might cost you previous relationships, but don't focus on that. Instead, fix your eyes on the jealous rage that will radiate from your neighbor, Mariah, as she sees the line of cars filling your driveway.
4. Background music.
Silence makes people uncomfortable. You know this to be true if you've ever had Dora The Explorer silently staring into your soul after she asks you if you know where the monkey with the backpack went. Recent polls suggest that 93% of humans are unsettled by the absence of noise, and research says that negative feelings increase by 41% when that silence is experienced at dinner parties. If you want your guests to have a delightful time that will result in them considering being your friend, then make sure that you have The Beach Boys riveting album, Pet Sounds, subtly playing in the background of your dining room.
If you are ready to tackle the social challenge of hosting a dinner party, we hope our insight will propel you to greatness. If it backfires, we are legally exempt from any responsibility.
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