Your identity is defined by your relationship status, so here's our exhaustively not-researched tips on how to land the girl of your dreams.*
*The dreams we are referring to may not exclusively mean good dreams. Nightmares are also included. But hey, you'll still get a girl who'll temporarily get your mother to stop telling her friends how concerned she is that you're still single.
Step 1. Lose the calf-high socks with Nike slippers.
The only mortal that can pull it off is Cristiano Ronaldo. Unless you are him, burn those unholy garments. A sane girl wants a man who can run and help her get to safety if the aliens start attacking. All those "slides" say is that you are accustomed to a lifestyle of gamer chairs and microwaved chow lo mein. The picture that paints is of a boy who is still twenty years removed from being a man.
Step 2. Get off Instagram and look for her in real life.
Girls notoriously require more attention than can reasonably be expected. This is only amplified if they spend an unhealthy amount of time on Instagram. Allow me, a humble staff writer, to impart incredible words of wisdom in the form of a brief story.
Upon sitting in a local coffee shop, enjoying my bean juice, I observed the most barbaric of moments one can see of a human in the wild. Two females, young in age, stature, and maturity, sauntered into the cafe with the clear intent of getting a hot double tall mocha almond milk half-soy, half-organic, half-tasty cold brew. Once they achieved their goal, they sat next to the quaint fireplace and engaged in one of the most disgusting acts anyone could ever lay eyes on. I watched in horror as one of the females spent nine minutes adjusting her shirt, hair, pants, shoes, glasses, makeup, angle of coffee cup, and moral standards until everything was just right. Then, she looked off into the distance, eyes glazing over, while her female friend took a million pictures. And then, as if that bloodbath wasn't enough for me to take in, I looked on in disgust as the two females exchanged places so the other one could go through the same narcissistic motions. And when the dirty deed was done, as pretentiously as they arrived, the two slithered back into the early morning air, most assuredly rushing off to their cave to heavily edit the photos until they are "Instagram worthy."
I'll be honest with you, dear reader. As I watched this monstrosity unfold, I threw up in my mouth a little. And let my tragic experience be a lesson to you as you look to land a chick that will make you feel relevant: Instagram girls are kryptonite to self-respect.
Step 3. Have an interest that does not include sports, video games, or eating food.
This generation needs to reevaluate what a hobby is. If you want your girl to hold a conversation with your mother so she'll stop imparting unwarranted advice to you, then you need a girl who is interesting. And interesting girls require interesting guys. We here at French Onion Soup don't often care, but we do care about this epidemic of uninteresting guys who think that they are unique. There is nothing unique about playing Fortnight for 6 hours while downing a two liter of Mountain Dew and eating a dozen Chimichangas. Learn a skill, take a class, see the sun once in a while.
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Step 4. Embrace the oncoming solitude.
If there's one thing that this cruel life has to teach us, it's that nothing is guaranteed, especially the nice things that everyone else seems to have achieved. So, sit yourself in front of a mirror and seriously ask yourself why you are looking to some sleep-deprived writer on a little-known website to help you get your life together? Get out there, live life, have some original thoughts and hobbies, and see if the cookie will crumble in your favor!
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