As sure as the sun rising in the east is the reality that you will someday be confronted by a person that you have wrong, slighted, or irked. It's a guarantee, much like how the taste of gravy will always just outweigh the weirdness of the texture. But it's come to the attention of the writers here at French Onion Soup that too many people are ill-equipped to handle this impending doom. We hate seeing people socially flounder, which is why we committed 93 minutes of research to present you with this vital step-by-step of dealing with confrontation.
Step 1: Identify the conflict.
Science has proven that 72% of arguments are fought because the two sides were equally oblivious to each others' perspective. So before you start dealing devastating verbal blows, begin by properly identifying the conflict. Here's an example of this exchange.
Wanda: "Gregory, I am very upset with you and I want to confront you about it."
Gregory: "I was unaware that you were upset with me."
Wanda: "I am upset with you because you gave me a Whopper Jr. With Bacon and told me it was an Impossible Burger. It was so tasty and protein-filled, I ate three more after. And then when you told me that the first burger was a joke and was actually meat instead of beans, I was crushed and felt betrayed. Because I felt so betrayed and unusually strong because of the protein, I went home and confronted David about the rising tension in the household and how I thought it was his fault. David told me that the tension was because 'my vegan lifestyle was overshadowing my authentic personality and it was effecting the happiness and well-being of the family.' By this point, I had realized that I had been pressured into a vegan lifestyle by my college friend, Rachella, and I had been deprived of real Whoppers for 13 years. This caused a sudden rush of anger towards Rachella, but because Rachella wasn't there, I took it all out on David and said truly hideous things about him. This has caused a rift in our marriage and we are now scheduled to see a therapist. I feel like my life has fallen apart, and all the blame is on you for your burger joke. This is why I'm confronting you."
Because Wanda and Gregory start the exchange with identifying the confrontation, they are now both better equipped to engage with each other and seek resolution. Wanda now feels like she has been heard, unlike in her crumbling marriage to David. And Gregory now knows that Wanda is a loose cannon and his best hope is to leave the confrontation with no physical harm.
Step 2: Identify an end goal.
You wouldn't fly on a plane without knowing where it's going, so you shouldn't enter an argument without establishing where you both want to take it. If both sides have differing ideas on how the confrontation should end, then you'll both walk away discouraged, enraged, trembling, and weeping. For some people, they simply seek an acknowledgement of how they've been wronged and an admittance of guilt. Some of the more shallow people seek a financial reimbursement for the emotional price a sour interaction had caused. And some people simply want to watch the world burn and other people suffer.
If you want to end a confrontation on an upward trajectory, you must come to an agreement on what the end goal is. Wanda wants retribution for 13 years of poor choices. But since she was too weak to stand up to Rachella at the start of her vegan journey, there is no chance that she will place her flag in the territory of meat eaters and tell Rachella to shove it. Rather, Gregory must realize that Wanda has mistakenly placed all the blame of her imploding life on his narrow shoulders and he has nothing to gain from this confrontation. So the end goal will be to tell Wanda that her feelings are valid and her blame is well placed so she will think that she's reached her goal and then Gregory will return to his house and his strong marriage with Michelle, tell her about the precarious events of the day, and then let go of the emotional baggage and carry on with his life. This is what a successful confrontation looks like.
Step 3: Vocalize your feelings with extreme language.
Arguing at 50% strength is for pacifists and yoga instructors. If you want to have a successful confrontation, you must make your feelings heard loud and clear, and vehemently commit to the feelings of the moment. Otherwise, you will both waste 3 hours of conversation that doesn't take you closer to a resolution and you each will feel like you couldn't properly communicate.
An example of this is as follows:
Wanda: "Every single time I walk into our little house, someone is screaming at me to do their laundry. David, I'm not a freaking laundry fairy, I have other passions I want to pursue, but I can't because I am literally drowning underneath a pile of dirty t-shirts. If you would wear your shirts for more than 9 hours at a time, I would finally have the ability to become a paralegal and then my parents would love me again."
David: "When you married me, you vowed to love me in sickness and in health, so you agreed to deal with the fallout of marrying a man who sweats 3 times more than the average human. If you wouldn't spend 5 hours every day trying to sell those milk gallon flowerpots you're convinced will 'make it big,' then you'd have more time to stay on top of the laundry."
At this point, neither Wanda or David should feel like they are unable to convey their feelings, because they are being unfiltered and are letting the thoughts flow out without regard of manners or empathy. By doing so, they are guaranteed to cut the confrontation time in half.
Step 4: Include other people in the confrontation so a winner can be declared by popular vote.
From the time we are in kindergarten, we realize that confrontations can not be resolved by keeping it between two people. The masses MUST be involved. A common misstep is to involve the public before you've said your peace. This is a grave mistake. You do not want the public to know all the dirty laundry, so you must have the heated exchange quickly and in private, and then beckon other people to get involved without knowing all the facts.
READ MORE: 6 Habits That Lead To A Happier Life
Research has proven that the best way to determine a confrontation winner by popular vote is by measuring the volume of the crowds reaction. As soon as you feel a window open, perhaps when the opponent has made a off-color comment, immediately pounce and stoke the anger of the crowd towards your opponent. This is an example of such a situation:
Scene: Wanda and David were shouting at each other in their kitchen. As the volume grows louder, their children, their in-laws who have been living with them, and their children's friends who were over for an after-school snack start to gather around the sparring duo.
Wanda: "I swear David, if I see another power tool in the garage, I will burn down this entire house and not even feel bad about it. You can't keep buying duplicate power tools and then fault me for wanting to introduce a little more greens into the kids' heavily regulated diets!"
David: "They're just kids, they are tired of eating lima beans for two meals a day and shouldn't have to add spinach to their breakfast beans. They just want to have something with cheese in it on occasion, right kids?"
Kids loudly cheer, and the tone of the confrontation takes a negative turn towards Wanda.
As you can see, David has successfully garnered the support of the masses by pointing out a problem about Wanda that everyone has been feeling. Because of this masterful move, David will win the confrontation.
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Step 5: Quit before things are irreversible, go your separate ways to cool off, and then move on as if it never happened.
Very rarely will confrontation result in true growth and maturing. 9 times out of 10, the best you can hope for is to keep the relationship intact long enough that both parties can resume normal passive aggressiveness. As soon as you feel like you are about to deliver the fatal strike, immediately sag your shoulders and say in a quiet voice, "I just don't want to fight anymore." This quick pivot will trigger a massive sense of relief in your opponent, lowering their guard and loosening their grip on their unrealistic desires of winning the confrontation. You will both be free to return to your corners and by the next day, the severity of the confrontation will have worn off and you will return back to your potentially toxic dynamic until the next confrontation occurs. And when it does, refer back to this exhaustively researched step-by-step to once again successfully deal with confrontation!
If you have found any use in our ramblings, either in personal application or as a devious way to mislead your nemesis, consider sharing this article.
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