Brainwashed by television shows, every human has bought into the belief that a tight-knit group of friends are a requirement for a "healthy" life. And if you find yourself living a life that falls drastically short of the adventures of Rachel and Ross, or Ted and Barney, then you've stumbled upon the right article!
Science has proven that there's three primary reasons people don't have friends. So it's vitally important to accurately diagnose your problem before offering you a solution. We here at French Onion Soup have done some mediocre research to provide you, dear reader, with these issues and ways to combat the impeding doom of loneliness that each one brings on. So drink some humble juice and take a good look in the mirror, because 9 out of 10 times, if there's a problem in your life, you're the cause. And we highly doubt it's any different for all your many social issues.
Reason You're All Alone #1: You reek of insecurity and people get exhausted trying to boost your ego.
The saying goes, "friends build each other up." But stop for a second and ask yourself how much building you demand from your friends. Look at it through a real-world lens. If you asked Marsha to help you build a sandcastle, even if she is the lowest of the low when it comes to human compassion, she'd still probably give you a hand. Sandcastles, by nature, are easy to build and any child can accomplish such a task, therefore any adult should be able to do so with laughable ease. But what if you, riddled with desperation, demands that Marsha helps you build a real life castle, with bricks and mortar. You scream at her like a spoiled toddler, insisting that she sacrifices her time, energy, and physical wellbeing to toil over your castle, building it up brick by brick. Does it bother you that you don't need a real life castle, nor should you put the weight of such a demand on Marsha's frail and slightly unaligned shoulders? Absolutely not! You yell into Marsha's weeping face that she could benefit from a few months of hard labor, because it'd straighten out that "scoliosis" she's always whining about. It doesn't pause you in the slightest that your demands are unreasonable, unobtainable, and rather inhumane. You want a castle, gosh dang rabbit! The idea that the responsibility would fall on your back instead of Marsha's crooked one is absurd. So you prattle on and on with your outlandish wants and never stop to consider that this very scenario is the reason all of the friends in your life has moved out of state, changing their names and filing restraining orders against you. And if you don't change your behavior soon, weak-willed Marsha will follow in their retreating footsteps.
The solution is to seek therapy for your spoiled little mind and learn how to maintain a healthy balance of give and take in any of your relationships.
Reason You're All Alone #2: You can't shut up about your own interests.
An acquaintance will know your name. A friend will know your hobbies. And all of your friends have quickly learned to take in your voice like it's white noise, tuning out your constant ramblings about how close you are to being the first person to have created a shot-for-shot stop motion remake of the LOTR trilogy with Beanie Babies replacing the actors. If you find yourself cornering people in McDonald's, struggling in vain to find someone who will give you a half-listening ear to your verbal vomit about your unsettling past times, then you most likely are being hindered by your own narcissism. Sure, you can blame the culture, or your upbringing, or that one kid in second grade who laughed at your small nose which was the root of all your self-hatred. But let us be the first to tell you, dear reader, that everyone was laughed at in second grade about something. So we're all out here, fighting against the urge to dominate conversations and ignore the rest of the world.
The solution is to first pick hobbies that aren't as bizarre, and then force yourself to accept calls from telemarketers so you learn how to listen for once to someone who is as unbearable as you.
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Reason You're All Alone #3: The world is against you and the higher powers want you to be unhappy.
If you are one of those people who are always ready to jump on board with some good ol' fashioned blame-shifting, then this is the reason for you! Don't focus on the fact that your personal hygiene habits are physically driving people away. Don't dwell on how other people can hold interesting discussions but you always steer your conversation back to that one time you rode slalom on a jet ski in the Outer Banks. And you should definitely not think too long about how every time someone exits your life, they look you dead in the eyes and say, "you're the problem, not the world and the higher powers." Those people are as full of it as an overstuffed crab ravioli.
There is no solution to this reason. You will never get ahead because you are systematically being held back. Nothing can help you, not therapy, not self-help blogs, not even the big guy himself, Tony Robbins. Instead, learn to adapt to a solitary lifestyle, secure in the knowledge that nothing is your fault.
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