Pizza is the life force that keeps humanity alive. It's the perfect food, because it's full of carbs and is fully customizable. And in this culture of self-expression, there's nothing more important to us than to convey some aspect of our personality through our food choices. So here's indisputable facts about the essence of who you are, based on nothing more than how you choose to create your pizza!
Pepperoni
The classic topping of pepperoni means that you are an extrovert who is deeply obsessed with pleasing people. You don't want to ruffle feathers, but rather opt for the topping that brings everyone together and is universally loved. You also carry a hidden hatred of all Red Sox fans.
Sausage
This meat option comes in second in nearly every category, so if this is what you are drawn to, then you obviously have unresolved issues of not being as loved as your siblings. Your parents always chose you second in receiving their love, and you express your frustration by insisting that this clearly inferior meat topping is better than pepperoni. You also habitually lie about your fear of confined spaces.
Cheese Only
The kind of people who insist on calling cheese a 'topping' are delusional at best, and psychotic at worst. If you are that person who relentlessly demands that every pizza party has at least 3 cheese-only pizzas, then there is no helping you in becoming a better person. You'll never change your ways and will always have a mental roadblock in finding friends. You also refuse to wash your left-footed socks.
Mushrooms
You want to escape reality, but you are scared of taking psychedelics so the closest you'll ever get will be the small thrill of having organic mushrooms on your pizza. You giggle to yourself when you tell the party organizer, "I'll have mushrooms, please," and the wink you throw them will result in some unresolved tension that lasts the entire night. People avoid you like the plague because you make very colored remarks that set everyone on edge. You also are secretly very into Bonnie Tyler.
Bacon
Whenever you order a pizza with bacon, you immediately launch into a comedic bit about how bacon is the best, even though it always falls flat, no matter the crowd. You are someone who truly believes you are the funniest person in the room, despite friends, family, and strangers telling you that you are as stale as a 31-year-old piece of wheat bread. You also never emotionally moved on from your middle-school sweetheart.
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Vegetables
You call yourself 'vegan,' 'organic,' and 'environmentally conscious.' Your friends call you 'unsettling.' You can't even unwind for a few hours on a Friday night and force everyone else to partake in your pity party by ordering 2 dozen vegetable pizzas. You secretly wish you could have a taste of pepperoni pizza, but your identity is now deeply solidified in being the vegan hippie of the group. You also have a weird superstition about touching the last step of any staircase.
Hawaiian
You just love starting fights, don't you? The kind of person who orders Hawaiian pizza is the kind of person who loves watching professional bull riding, because the battle of wills between beast and man is too enticing. You insist upon fruit pizza because you know that your friends will overreact to your request and you'll receive your fill of drama for the day. Personally, you are not a fan of all the clashing flavors, but there is no end to your desire to watch other people suffer. You also are suspicious of anyone named Benjamin.
Anchovies
You are a driven person with a secretly tender heart. But along with that, you have constant, insatiable cravings for salt. So you scout the room out before vocalizing your desires. And as long as there are two people over 6 feet tall, you'll go ahead and confidently request anchovies. But your struggles come to the surface when you are the tallest occupant. It feels like an abuse of power to proclaim your wish of anchovies as you literally look down upon the rest of the gatherers. This internal war will never be resolved, but you are the kind of person who can put up with a lot of inner angst, which is why anchovies makes perfect sense for your preferred topping. You also can't hopscotch and are riddled with shame about it.
Conclusion
There is no more accurate science than deriving personality traits based off of one's pizza order. That's why we here at French Onion Soup stand by our analysis, and if you disagree with us, it's simply because you are in general a disagreeable person. But if you decide to break out of your shell a little, we hope that you find something truly profound in our humble musings.
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