Did your mother ever yell at you for staring too long at a screen? Then send her this article and tell her that she no longer has an iron-clad grip on your enjoyment of life. We here at French Onion Soup have unearthed some real juicy science and it needs to be shared with the world. Reject the age-old theory that binge-watching TV is bad for your health and wrap your trembling hands around the idea that it is actually adding years to your life. Here's our exhaustive reasoning for these bold claims:
Cars that don't move will last longer.
You know how a car can sit in your garage for months and months and still start up when you need it to? That car will far outlast the rust-bucket you drive to your job at Burger King everyday. And much like that 4-wheeled junker, your body decays the more it is in use. Why else does everything hurt the day after you workout? Because we are not meant to move that much. And there is no activity more suited to inactivity than plopping your cushy bun on a couch cushion and watching a solid 9.5 hours of The Queen's Gambit.
Stress is bad for your health, so don't leave your house.
Did you ever wonder why 'yoga' teachers are calm all the time? It's because they only exist in their homes and their studios, both locations with Yoko Ono music incessantly playing in the background. They don't encounter the stress of the real world, so they are never stressful. You can take a page right out of their books and drown out the scariness of the world by diving into the world of Parks & Rec for two solid days.
Understanding pop culture makes you an interesting person.
Some people get bogged down with the notion that you need to have a personality to be an interesting person. We here at French Onion Soup laugh at that. You don't need hobbies, skills, or a complex mind. All you need to do is be able to rant at length about the intricate plot lines of Stranger Things. With that ace in your back pocket, you will charm anyone that you encounter.
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Binge-watching makes you relatable.
This reason also applies to ordering venti coconut milk lattes with a double splash of caramel from Starbucks. If something in your life is not making you relatable to your peers, then stop doing that thing. But we can assure you that binge-watching will never be that thing. It is the only thing that transcends preferences, emotional baggage, family bonds, and life-long friendships. Those are all fragile, but binge-watching will ALWAYS make you desirable to other people.
It's cheap, and 49% of people say financial issues caused their divorce.
This isn't to claim that if you binge-watch TV for 3 days a week that your marriage will be saved, but we're strongly suggesting it. You could take your spouse to get a nice dinner and stare longingly into each others eyes as you rekindle your romance, but that's going to cost you at LEAST $28.99. Netflix is ten bucks a month, and that will be much more available to you than your spouse's emotional support. We aren't going to say which is better for your marriage, but 10 out of 10 people say binge-watching is always healthier.
Let us sum up our findings: don't focus on becoming a well-rounded member of society. Instead, forgo any personal interests and dive into the endless hypothetical worlds that TV can offer you.
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